Which is how I start a lot of sentences, "turns out my ugly truth is this..." then I confess what it is. I'm bringing my deep down buried truths (secrets) (my true self) to the surface - and I've been calling it ugly.
I imagine these ugly truths coming to the surface like those orks from Lord of the Rings - these monsters that emerge from the dirt and soil with fangs, snot, gore, nasty tempers and ready to kill. A menace to society. Thats an ugly truth.
Thats what I imagine people see what I "allow" an ugly truth to emerge from me, buried deep in my soil, or perhaps thats my projection reading their facial expressions - "Ahhhhhh!! an ugly truth emerges - RUN! Call Gandolf and for all ours sakes, get Orlando Bloom here!"
*Disclaimer* As I release one ugly truth to the surface, more of them follow - true breading orks.
But when an ork, or Ugly Truth, is buried deep down, suppressed, ignored, rejected - they get angry and angrier and only uglier.
War engages between Ugly Truth and perceived or projected reality. Ugly Truth wants out of prison and knows how to battle. Pretty-faced Wife battles with suppression, numbing, and her most deadly weapon - pretending. She is a master elite ninja warrior espionage spy sniper drill sergeant pretender - the ultimate killing machine. Ugly Truth's most deadly foe.
My Ugly Truth as been engaged war with me for years - sometimes she has come peacefully to the table to make negotiations. I imagine two enemies coming to the UN to make a peace treaty - its tabled - then one of them drops a bomb on the other in total betrayal (usually while the peace treaty is going on)
Here's another ugly truth - it is always Ugly Truth offering peace treaties. And another thing about Ugly Truth - she always prevails, even against that ninja-sniper of pretending and her side-kick numbing - Ugly Truth will win every time.
Her war tactics took my life - well really - both of ours. Ugly Truth will die to get out, even if it means taking both of us down. She will always prevail, even at the sake of death.
Ugly Truth found her way out. Her entombment and imprisonment finished and she escaped. My body, a few days postnatal, most vulnerable is when she escaped. Turns out vulnerability is almost exactly the same as ugly truth. Ugly Truth used that time of vulnerability to escape. And boy did she - I believe it must have been her final hurrah as she put everything into coming out of me. She came out hot, angry, uuuugly and in every way possible.
My skin, the final barrier for her to get through battled long and tirelessly against her. This time Ugly Truth did not retreat. She used weapons like anger (the emotion that desires change) beauty (what I am called to be) and the most deadly, my baby (my love that I had to keep alive). She pushed through that barrier of my skin and said, "SEE ME! I WILL NOT BE IGNORED ANYMORE!" And with all the spoils of war - skin covered in puss, pain, fungal infection, strep infection, MRSA, inflammation - I could not ignore her anymore.
Ugly Truth said, "I will take us both down or you let me FREE. Surrender to your ugly truth or die"
I surrendered - I gave Ugly Truth the KEY. The key to her freedom.
Surrender is the Key that Unlocks the Door to Grace.
By surrendering I truly chose to live. And grace is where I was caught. GRACE brought me home. GRACE restored me, healed me - sweet amazing GRACE.
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But Ugly Truth is out and on the loose!!
No - Ugly Truth wasn't on the loose trying to wreck havoc on the Earth. I wasn't the Earth's savior by holding it back (oh, snap! another ugly truth) Ugly Truth sat next to me, went everywhere with me. Turns out Ugly Truth wants acknowledgement and its freedom proclaimed.
"I see you Ugly Truth, I know you're there...."
But it wasn't enough, ugly truth wants you ALL there - pretending and numbing had to go.
Ugly Truth spoke, "RELEASE of the things that no longer serve. Release the numbing and pretending." (Release of alcohol...release of toxic relationships....release of toxic foods...release of toxic time wasting activities)
And I looked at Ugly Truth and said, "You are ugly, but I am no longer afraid of you. And I'm no longer afraid of you to be seen. I am no longer ashamed of you. And I will go with you to be seen, for all that WE are."
I actually said those words out loud at a large gathering - unexpected. "I will no longer let the fear of being seen keep me from my fucking life!" I screamed.
Then people started touching my face - saying they said light was coming from it. That I looked like I floated when I walked. That they had never seen such beauty.
Gulp! Gasp! Could it be?! Ugly Truth was....actually beautiful??
No amount of make-up, mask, acting, pretending could hold a candle to TRUTH.
And Ugly Truth - the prevailer, the proclaimer, the warrior, the light, the healer, the freedom is the TRUEST BEAUTY. .
The truth of war - I surrendered, I was caught by grace, held by beauty and given my freedom at last. So each day I hold hands with Ugly Truth. I look at her and I tell her how beautiful she really is and we go in Peace. For my war is over, and I free my Ugly Truth each day.
And that is my practice, that is my yoga. And thats where you find me battle, on my mat, giving the keys to Ugly Truth (willingly, resistantly, stubbornly or reluctantly, with each breath - the battle on the mat) This is the key to ugly truths - Freedom. I go to war with you at Village - for your Freedom and mine - to allow our ugly truths to emerge. We battle together at Village.
Warrior On,
Becky
*The Walnut Creek marathon is happening this weekend - traffic will suck on Saturday - ride your bike, walk, go a different route - but Village goes on with a Vinyasa Flow 9am. With Rob guiding - come enjoy his unique style and sweet British accent*
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